The secret to life: Sakésama
by crazy-squirrel
Summary: A visitor arrives at the dojo, bringing with her saké and a goodly amount of confusion. OOCness. rating may increase as I post more chapters


Disclaimer: I do not own Kenshin (though I WISH I did but I don't ;-;). There is nothing else to say. Besides, if you sue me, the only thing you'll get is -fishes through pocket- 2 bucks, a dime, a ball of string, a gnawed on acorn, and a bit of pocket lint.

Key:

"Blah" talking

_Blah _ thinking

-blah- action

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A man walked down the road on a warm summer's day, young by appearance, perhaps 16 or at most 18 years of age. His shoulders sagged under a heavy burden he bore on his back, his gi twisted slightly underneath it. Head bowed, he was unaware of the slowly darkening sky, threatening rain as he concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other. Stopping outside of a dojo he shifted the burden on his shoulders and heard a rumbling sound. He looked up, startled, thinking a thunderstorm had arrived, but the sky, for the most part, was relatively clear save a number of rain clouds approaching from the east. He shrugged and continued down the road, past the dojo, and out of Tokyo for all I care for he isn't all that important to this story.

The rumbling sound had in fact come from the dojo itself, more specifically the Kamiya dojo, where this story begins. There sat Sagara Sanosuke, a moocher, Himura Kenshin, resident, and Myojin Yahiko, the one and only student of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu. The rumbling sound had come from their empty stomachs.

"S-so hungry..."

"But no food..."

"And no money...."

"Oro...."

There was a collective sigh.

"Where's jou-chan when we need her?" Sano grumbled, leaning back against the dojo's shoji "I should come less often, I almost feel bad mooching off of poor people..."

"Oro" Kenshin said solemnly.

"Why don't you just get a job?" Yahiko said angrily

"Who gave you the exclusive rights to tell me what to do, geki?"

"At least _I_ have a job,"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah!" Yahiko leaped up from his spot on the steps and made and attempt to high-kick Sano, failing that, he leapt into Sano's mass of hair and tried gnaw it off.

"Arugh! Not the hair!"

"If you gave a damn about your hair you would brush it once in a while, rooster head!" Yahiko said around a mouthful of the stuff.

"Maa maa, why can't we all just get along?"

"Where is jou-chan anyways?" Sano asked Kenshin as he plucked Yahiko from his nest of hair and tossing him aside.

Kenshin hopped out of the way of the missile formerly known as Yahiko.

"I think she went to teach at the other dojo today. She should be home before the noon bang. And," he added in an undertone "she won't appreciate the human-shaped hole in the shoji, no she won't."

"I'm hoooooooooooooooooooooooooome!" Kaoru stepped into the dojo's courtyard. Seeing the hole in the shoji she stopped in her tracks, eye twitching.

"Erm, summer decorating" Kenshin explained hurriedly "good ventilation you know! Very good for the lungs. Heh heh..."

Kaoru sweat dropped but decided to let it go.

"We were wondering, Kaoru-dono, if perhaps you had some money, for our store of food has run out and..."

"YES! ARIGATOU JOU-CHAN FOR TREATING US TO A FREE MEAL AT THE AKABEKO!" Sano grabbed Kaoru by the arm and dragged her backwards out of the dojo and down the road with Kaoru hitting him repeatedly over the head with her bokken in a futile effort to release his hold on her training gi.

Yahiko picked himself off the floor. Grabbing his bokken, he charged out after the street fighter, shouting something about no coffee no workee and free food.

"Yare yare..." Kenshin sighed and closed the dojo's gates. Locking them behind him, he followed the deep drag marks made by Kaoru's heels, not giving heed to the sky, which was now heavy with dark clouds and the smell of incoming rain.

------

A mysterious figure walked down the road leading to the kamiya dojo. Unlike the previous figure that had walked down the very same road, this character actually has some long-term involvement in the story. The person's face was hidden by a wide gasa and long black bangs. The darkly colored hair was drawn into a loose topknot and blended perfectly with the black gi. The gray, mud-stained hakama dragged on the ground, obviously a bit too big for its wearer. The person bore a long staff, a bag that clinked as if filled with ceramic jars, and a small, black dog trotting after the muddy heels of it's master.

As they continued along it began to drizzle, and by the time they reached had reached the dojo, the drizzle had turned into a full-fledged downpour. Finding the dojo's door locked, the mysterious person sat on the steps. The little dog whimpered as a particularly big raindrop landed on its nose and took shelter on its master's lap. Stroking the dampness out of the dog's fur, the master reached into the worn bag, pulled out a saké bottle and took a swing out of it. The stranger patiently waited for the residents of the dojo to return.

------

"Ah..." Sano burped contentedly. "That hit the spot." he leaned back and patted his belly, sucking happily on a fish skeleton.

"Aw. Dows wittle baby Sano want anuther bwottle?" Kaoru said in a baby-like voice, a bit resentful of being dragged out of her home in a particularly undignified manner.

"Yes please!" Sano held out his bowl and saké cup, "But only since you asked so politely!"

-Sigh- "Anything for food neh?" Kenshin said "Even your pride"

"Yep!"

-anime fall-

A few minutes later Kaoru paid Tae-san ("you owe me Sano! I'm keeping tab you know!) and they left the restaurant.

"Wow, the rain started up pretty quick!" said Kenshin, as they stood in the doorway of the Akabeko restaurant, "Maybe we should just stay here and wait it out."

"No way!" Yahiko dashed out into the rain "Last one to the dojo smells worse than Kaoru's cooking!"

Kaoru ran out after the kid shouting "What does _that_ suppose to mean?"

"Nothing, just that you can't beat me!"

"Ha! You think you can meet the speed of the master of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu?"

"Yeah! I can beat the speed of a busu!"

"Oh yeah? Beat this!" Kaoru swiped her bokken at Yahiko's head as they splashed through the deepening puddles, occasionally slipping and getting a mouthful of mud.

"Heh, they're really two of a kind eh, Kenshin?" Sano said as they watched Kaoru and Yahiko making fools of themselves.

"Yes, they really are," Kenshin smiled "Are you coming with us, Sano?"

"Sure, if only to watch these comedy routines continue."

They laughed then went over to Yahiko and Kaoru to pry them apart.

------

Running back to the dojo, Kaoru and Yahiko argued endlessly about who got the better of whom, barely noticing the heavy rain pounding on their heads. As they turned the final corner that lead to the dojo, Kenshin flung out his left arm, stopping them to a dead halt. His other hand was resting on the hilt of his Sakabatou.

"What is it Kenshin?" Kaoru followed the path of Kenshin's eyes and saw the shadowed figure, sitting on the steps of the dojo gate. _Oh no, _Kaoru thought _If that's who I think it is..._

"Stay back Kaoru-dono, he might be dangerous." Kenshin stepped forward. He sensed a strong chi but it was so confused he wasn't quite sure how to read it.

"Who are you and what do you want?" He said, his eyes narrowing into a glare. A small, black dog leapt off the stranger's lap, yipped at kenshin-gumi, then took cover on the person's lap again.

:hic!:

Suddenly the stranger stood up, sending the little dog flying.

Oro? _A woman?_

Looking past Kenshin he woman charged at Kaoru and promptly glomped her shouting

"Ohayou onee-chan!" :hic!: "It's so good to see you after all this time!" :hic!:

They noticed the three huge empty saké bottles hanging from her wrist.

"What the hell! You have a sister jou-chan?!" Sano said, rather stupefied that someone actually glomped Kaoru and lived to tell the tale.

"No, I don't," said Kaoru, detangling her self from the glomper, "_This _drunkard is Suzuki Natsu, a-"

She would've gone more in-dept except for the fact that Natsu had her in a tight headlock and was giving her a noogie.

-sweatdrop-

"Wow, Kaoru, I see you've moved up in the world, surrounding yourself with these two bishohen!" she nodded at Kenshin and Sano since her hands were preoccupied with noogieing Kaoru.

"What about me?" Yahiko said, sensing his manliness threatened.

"Aiya! Did I say two? Gomen, gomen nasai! I meant to say that you surrounded yourself with THREE bishohen! Ha HA :hic:! You lucky girl!" -noogie noogie- "I never thought you would score such cuties! Can I borrow one?" :hic!: Releasing Kaoru from the headlock she surveyed the boys as if picking out a radish at a market stall. It appeared to Kenshin that she had a look of recognition in her eyes when she saw them but he later doubted that as she charged forward, dropping her belonging into puddles and firmly glomping him. Probably just a look of obsession.

"Ooooh! This one is a :hic!: real bishohen!" She said as she de-glomped him. Then she noticed the scar "Hey! Where'cha get this from eh?" she poked his cheek, "Some wild game of :hic!:-tac toe? :hic!:" -poke poke- "He's just my age too, Kaoru :hic!: I must have him. Say Kaoru, you're turning a lovely shade of radish-red! Ah ha :hic:! I understand!" she gave Kaoru the thumbs up. "He's you're :hic!: you know..." she waggled her thumb.

"Actually," Yahiko said, stepping in "Kenshin's way too old for Kaoru. He's 28 years old"

"Yare :hic!: yare! Kaoru! I never thought that you of all people would be going out with older men! I guess if you're desperate... :hic!: Goodness me Kaoru! You're face is now the most reddest shade of crimson I've seen yet :hic:! Do you feel well?" with that she whipped out a fresh bottle of saké and drank half of it in one swig. She suddenly stopped gulping down saké and looked up as if she just realized it was raining. She looked at the sky, then Kaoru, then the saké, then the sky, then Kaoru, then the saké until Kenshin-gumi was thoroughly confused, if they weren't already. Suddenly she leapt forward and caught Kaoru in another headlock. Her little black dog ran in happy circles around their feet.

"Arugh! Onee-chan! What are you doing in the rain?! You'll catch a death of a cold! :hic!: Shame, shame! Drink some saké so you'll be waaaaaarm!" And she stuck the saké bottle down Kaoru's throat and managed to pour in half of it before Kaoru was able to squirm away, gasping and coughing.

"T-that's re-really strong sa-s-saké" -cough-

"Yep!" :hic!: giggled Natsu twirling a bit "That's my saké-sama!"

"Saké-sama? You talk to you're saké?" Sano said critically

":hic!: I talk to _all_ inanimate objects! I wouldn't dare discriminated against saké-sama!"

Spotting Sano she stood on her tiptoes and began to experimentally poke his hair.

"Whoa. You could impale someone with this thing and they'll probably die of hair-gel poisoning!" -poke poke- Sano's eye twitched involuntarily

"What is it with you people and my hair?!" he shouted angrily "It's my own freaking hairstyle! Don't like it? Tough!" he pouted.

"Aaaaaaw! You're so kawaii when you're angry! Onee-chan, you sure like hanging with bad boys alot don't ya?" -points at Sano's evil mark of "Aku"- "Or is it something else?" she giggled insanely as she stared pointedly at the general -ahem- lower area of the male anatomy. Kenshin did his best to wash Kaoru's mouth out and hold back her sword hand as he reminded her of her father's philosophy of "sword that give life, not take them. Do not kill Natsu-dono, good Kaoru, no killing, nooooo killing good Natsu-dono..."

Before anyone could say anything else Natsu re-spotted Kenshin. She took his hand and began to vigorously shake it.

"Ohayou! What's YOURname?" She said, dropping Kenshin's hand and whipping out another saké bottle.

"Oh, this one's name is Himur-"

"SO POILTE! SO SERIOUS! :hic!:" Natsu bellowed in his face, he could smell the strong odor of saké "LIGHTEN UP MY BOY! DRINK SAKÉ!" And she slammed a bottle of saké into his open mouth and poured its full continents down his throat until he was swirly-eyed and spinning in circles.

"Oro... stop the ride.... this one wants to get off.... ororo...."

Natsu slapped him on the back.

"Now that's the sprit! Let's go inside and celebrate my coming! :hic:" She snatched the keys to the dojo out of Kaoru's stunned hand and marched inside, butchering some song or another, her little black dog yipping along, out of tune.

Kenshin-gumi stood dumb-struck in the rain for several long minutes, trying to comprehend what had just happened, until Kenshin broke the silence by continuing to bounce around all swirly-eyed, holding up a finger and saying "did anyone get the number of that cart? Orororoo....." he shook his head in an attempt to shake off the effects of the sake and finally collapsing in a puddle, the puddle that Natsu had dropped her bag earlier which they now had, inevitably, discovered was full of saké bottles which Kenshin had now crushed with a loud, satisfying crunching sound. But no one really cared; they were better off without them.

"Who was that Kaoru-dono? She kept calling you onee-chan, is she an elder sister?"

"NO she's not. She's an old student of the dojo, one of my father's disciples before he was drafted to the Seinan War and passed away a year ago. She went away for a while, I didn't think she'd be back so soon though..." Kaoru said with a sigh.

Yahiko scratched his head "I thought she was kinda cool." _Me? Bishohen? Oh yeah! My shining moment!_ "Buahahahahaha!" Then Yahiko realized he said that aloud and was surrounded by Kaoru, Sano and Kenshin all staring bug-eyed at him.

"We're just going to pretend you never said that and move on with out lives..."

"Yeah, so anyways," Sano turned back to Kaoru and Kenshin "What's she doing back here? I thought all your students left?"

"Well," Kaoru said, a bit embarrassed "She was one of our more undisciplined students, she would train for a while, then disappear for about a month or two, and then pop up. Train some more, then disappears again. She was my friend, when she was around. I knew her since I was around 10. We-"

Kenshin-gumi looked up, then at each other. Realizing that they must look like complete idiots hanging around outside in the rain, they ran inside the dojo, taking Natsu's belongings with them. When they entered they nearly broke their necks tripping over her unconscious body, completely boozed out from the five bottles of saké

Here's where the story really kicks off.

------

Author's note:

C. Squirrel: Hey all! I just got the idea of the ficcy out of the blue (whatever that means). With the help of my kind editor, deguchan, I'm really feeling pretty good about it... heh heh heh... this could be my big break....

K. Squirrel: Aren't I suppose to be the evil and demonic one that schemes to rule the world?

C. Squirrel: No, now shut up, this is my rare moments of happiness. Don't burst my bubble.

K. Squirrel: I think I liked you better unhappy and submissive...

C. Squirrel: P I just want to remind you all to REVIEW! PLEASE! Have mercy on a poor, review-freak. I never feel up to writing when I don't get many reviews -hint hint, wink wink- so pretty-please? A review? even just: "YAY! THAT WAS TOTALLY KICK-ASS!" or "DUDE! I WANT TO STONE YOU!" (btw, you could say that if you want to BUT include WHY you hate it so I can IMPROVE. flames shall be used to warm Natsu's saké .)

Translations:

bishohen: beautiful/ cute guy

bokken: a wooden sword

busu: ugly, old hag

gasa: one of those really wide-brimmed hats worn traditionally by Asians

geki: punk, brat

gi: a guy's shirt, like what Kenshin wears.

Gomen: sorry

gomen nasai: more formal way to say sorry, like an unforgivable, I grovel sorry.

-gumi: group

hakama: long pants, usually worn by men but in this case...

onee-chan: younger sister (methinks .;;)

shoji: Sliding paper door, commonly used in Japan

thumbs-up: you stick up your thumb when talking about someone's boyfriend and your pinky finger when you're talking about someone's girlfriend.

Yare yare: Well well, or oh well


End file.
